I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
