and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
