I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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