I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
