i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
