Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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