So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
