You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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