i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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