Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
