All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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