How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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