So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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