Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
