New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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