I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
