I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
