Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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