Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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