By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
