it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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