you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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