i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
time to smoke my breakfast
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
