i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
