if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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