return my video game
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
