genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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