I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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