my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
