So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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