I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize