How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
