I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
