And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
