oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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