well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
