Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
