dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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