just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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