Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
