she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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