My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
