I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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