he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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