I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
