Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
