I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
