Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
