fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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