Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
