His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
and eventually we just all took our pants off
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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