No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
