He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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