I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
