I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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