Got a toothbrush?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
