There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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