was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize