She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize