Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i now understand why vodka
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
