The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
